In all honesty, it seems like the devil has been trying very hard to push me off a cliff for the last few weeks. Although I am always sick (yes, ALWAYS) this has been a particularity rough couple weeks.
I have been in a relapse of my ME since June. Planning and carrying out the info booth in Raleigh at the end of May as party of the Millionsmissing protest really took it out of me. Then came trying to celebrate Memorial Day weekend with my family like a normal human was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I suppose I was on a little high after being a part of such a successful and significant movement. http://millionsmissing.meaction.net/
It’s been kind of down hill from there. Yes, I know the triggers were around Memorial Day and it’s almost August, but that is the nature of ME. Flip your switch and you can be in a relapse for months, or may even downgrade your condition permanently. It’s a terrifying game.
So anyway, to the last few weeks. My beautiful, sweet, happy, funny 16 month old daughter, Lilly started daycare about 2 and 1/2 weeks ago. When I dropped her off on her first day, I saw a room full of runny noses. When the teacher saw me wince, she mentioned that those children were teething. I nodded my agreement and wanted from the bottom of my heart to believe her. Well, fast forward a week and we all get it. And it just. won’t. go. away. For the last week and a half, I have become a ghost, hovering between the land of the living and the land of the dead. A cold would be an annoyance for most, but for someone with a severe chronic, immune related illness, it can be devastating. And to top it all off, just before I came down with the cold, I started a new treatment- Low dose Naltrexone- which my body decided to reject.
New meds are always risky for me as I have a severe sensitivity to medication. However over the years, I have found a cocktail of meds that saved me from being bedridden (after about two years of being so.)
So anyway, I have been dealing with a relapse, a cold, and a bad reaction to a new med (which I’m off of now.) And as these shitty things keep piling up, I can’t help but feel like an evil force is trying to make me give up. Like, literally, what other bullshit could I be dealing with right now? How much can I hurt and suffer before I give in? Do not worry about me to much though, I have been way sicker for way longer than this and have survived.
I wanted to write about it for this reason: http://www.meadvocacy.org/tom_jarrett?utm_campaign=tomjarrett&utm_medium=email&utm_source=meadvocacy a member of the ME community recently took their own life. The community has suffered five losses this summer from breast cancer to suicide. And as much as I wanted to suffer in silence and soldier on as usual, I remembered today, a day that I feel particularly vulnerable, that I am not alone. I am a member of an increasingly vocal and hopeful community.
They say when you are at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on. I know for those with ME, you feel like you’ve dealt with too much for too long, but you never know what the future will bring. I think for us, help is on the way! Please always remember you are not alone with this and we are here for you!